People who want to reconnect with their partners should initiate these 7 conversations
Relationships ebb and flow like the tides. As a result, there will be times in which you and your partner will feel incredibly close, and other times in which you feel as though you’ve grown apart.
If the feeling of distance has lasted quite a long while, however, and you’re starting to feel that you’re having difficulty reconnecting with your partner, try initiating the following conversations. Sometimes, things just need a little encouraging push in the right direction to click back into place.
1. Ask about what’s new in each other’s lives.
Familiarity doesn’t always breed contempt. Sometimes, it simply breeds banality from the endless Groundhog Day-like routines that people fall into. New relationships are exciting for many reasons, but one of the main ones is that both parties get to discover all kinds of things about each other, like unfolding many layers of a beautifully wrapped gift. When you’ve been with a partner for several years, however, all that paper has been unwrapped and is now being used to line the sock and underwear drawers.
If you’re keen to reconnect with your partner, ask them about something that’s new in their life. For example, is your beloved an avid reader? Ask them what their book is about, or if they have a good recommendation for you. Or share something new with them that you discovered and feel excited about. We change and evolve all the time, and it’s easy to miss the small differences in a person you see every day.
2. Invite the elephant in the room to the table.
Whatever the problems are in your relationship, talk them out so you can address them rather than skirting around them for the sake of avoiding discomfort or conflict. For instance, if there’s been a noted lack of physical intimacy between you, talk about why that is instead of growing quiet and resentful, or feeling more and more rejected. This one really should be the most obvious, but it’s usually the topic that both parties actively seek to avoid discussing.
Most of us are guilty of avoiding issues that may be a source of conflict, and instead try to maintain the status quo as best we can. Some of the things you’ve been struggling with may be embarrassing or difficult to address, but you two are partners. Presumably, you’ve seen each other in just about every situation and know just about every inch of each other’s bodies. You can talk about the tough stuff and work through it together.
3. Open up about aspects of your life you’ve never discussed (and encourage them to open up about theirs).
Being truly intimate with another person requires a startling amount of vulnerability. In fact, even though you’ve been with your partner for years, possibly even decades, there may be things about yourself that you’ve never discussed with them. For example, they may not know about your deepest traumas, greatest desires in life, or even interests and preferences that you always felt weren’t important enough to share.
Being open and vulnerable about things you’ve never discussed with them before doesn’t just invite them to get closer to you, but it may encourage them to reciprocate. See this as a form of mental mutual care, if you will. Like tending a garden, you may have cultivated beautiful flowers and other plants, but this approach is a way of replenishing the soil that’s so foundational to continued health and growth.
4. Talk about new things to try together.
We all fall into ruts, and we may set aside things we’re interested in trying out because we either don’t want to trouble our partners with something frivolous or because we don’t have the mental or physical wherewithal to pursue it. This can lead to the relationship falling into boring yet comfortable routines, which can then lead to partners feeling distant from one another.
Order some great takeout, grab a notepad and pen, and invite your partner to brainstorm ideas that the two of you can try out together. Maybe there’s a new game that one of you has always wanted to try, but you think the other will find it silly. Or you’d like to try cooking meals from other cultural cuisines as a change from the rhythms you’ve fallen into. You may discover that you’re both really into the idea of learning a new skill together that neither of you had dared admit to before.
5. Diplomatically admit to things that have always bothered you.
No matter how healthy and supportive your relationship is, there are undoubtedly things within it that have always bothered you. These often start out as a tiny grain or pebble in your shoe that can be ignored, especially when you’re having a good time, but they can grow to boulder size if they aren’t addressed. If you and your partner have grown distant because underlying issues have been left to accumulate in size and weight, it’s a good idea to get it all out in the open.
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The key here is to be just as ready to receive and work through things that may have been bothering them for some time as well. Once the door is open to discussing difficult or unpleasant things, the items that have been kicked into the back of the closet for ages have an opportunity to be aired out, and everything put in order. It’s a form of mutual relationship hygiene: addressing the leak while it’s still a small drip is a lot easier than replacing the entire plumbing system and half the floor later.
6. Discuss and make firm plans to finally do The Thing you’ve always dreamed of doing.
Maybe the two of you initially connected over a shared dream of doing X, but life’s responsibilities and such always got in the way. Now that several years have passed, it may feel that the shared goal you used to daydream about has been lost and forgotten under the weight of daily tedium and responsibility.
There’s no time like the present to discuss whether you still have that dream, and if the two of you would still like to try making it a reality together. You’re not too old to start that apiary or animal rescue hobby farm — in fact, you may have more time and financial resources to be far more successful at it than you were 30 years ago, provided you’re both still on the same page about it.
That said, it’s important to realize that it’s just as likely that one of you may still want The Thing whilst the other has moved on from it. This isn’t necessarily a dealbreaker, but it does need to be acknowledged and worked through. In this case, perhaps there’s a modified version that appeals to you both, or maybe it’s time to dream up something new together that reflects who you are now rather than who you were then.
7. Talk about whether your current arrangements still serve you both.
If you and your partner both agree that you want to stay together and wish to reconnect as a committed couple, then a good conversation to have is a renegotiation of every single aspect of your relationship. Touch upon everything you share and all of your agreements, and determine which still serve you and which need to change.
For example, you may discover that both of you would feel happier sleeping apart than together, especially if things like hot flashes, restless insomnia, the whirr of a CPAP machine, and other new aspects of your life are keeping each other awake.
Similarly, you may feel better switching house chores for a while, or going away together for the holidays instead of hosting 17 relatives for a multi-course meal. Lay everything out on the table, renegotiate terms, and create a new plan that you can move forward with together.
Final thoughts…
Having these conversations can help you determine whether you’ve grown apart due to contributing factors outside the relationship, or because you’ve both changed dramatically as individuals and can no longer maintain the same rapport you had 20 years ago.
Everyone changes over time, which is why it’s so important to keep getting to know each other for who you are here and now, and adjust the parameters of your relationship accordingly. These discussions may not be easy, but they’re important enough to prioritize if you truly want to reconnect with one another.
